They said I live in fantasy world. Everything I feel toward you, everything I know about you is not real. So I stop talking about my feeling. I keep you in my heart and lock you inside. No one knows that you’ve been living in my heart. Almost one year, right after I dumped one rotten fruit from there.
At first I thought you’re just like any other people I used to know. Boring, all with dozens routines and a set of mind of Roman citizen in their golden time. You never even put your foot in dark side which makes you despise people who had no choice but to live in there to survive. I didn’t like you at that time. You only willing to see things from one side, and don’t care about the other side.
But then, I know you’re from the same world like me. We were born under the same star. We both came from the same place, from the sea. We have the heart of Neptunes, god of the sea, the one who sent us to earth. Seeing you were practically same like seeing myself in a mirror. We are like one soul trapped in two body, but I do realize that I’m more extreme, and you are like the mature version of me. Sometimes I feel like I know you like the back of my hand, but sometimes I don’t know you.
As time goes by, I learned that you are Neptunes himself, a god... who lives in my heart. And I don’t know when exactly, but I started to feel scared of you. Was it because you are Neptunes? Or was it because I know that I’m no worthy of your high status? Or was it because you are god who always hang out with other gods, judging humans on earth? Or was it because of Hera, who’ve killed Zeus’ lovers and children out of jealousy? I don’t know what was the reason, but I started to retreat unconsciously, step by step, taking step back in order to protect myself, my heart, my pride.
I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I got enough wounds and blisters from the last war with a fruit, with someone that was once lived in my heart, with someone that is so unreal. Yet You, Neptunes, You sometimes said something that a fruit would say about me. I been wondering if a fruit has gotten you, or if you’ve been close with any of fruit’s pawns? So yeah, I decided to take a step back from you...
So I won’t be hurt...
So I can be normal again...
Until... some birds told me you gave your heart to someone.
At that time I feel like I couldn’t lie to myself again. I know I must let you out from my heart so I could be free completely. I was ready for anything. Rejection, humiliation, your judgment of my weird feeling, new rumors about me. Anything. Somehow I felt freedom when I told you about how I felt... a delusive freedom though.
But when I asked you if I should give up on you, you said it was all up to me. Heaven knew that was what I intend to do, but I told myself, I don’t want to have any regret in the future, so I took a chance.
Just few weeks later, you answered my heart. You want us to be friend. You told me what they said about you were all true... that you have given your heart to someone. Then, you said that it wasn’t the case. I was confused, but it was all enough for me.
You and her. Your heart to her. Say no more, dear Neptunes. I understand.
But weird, I didn’t feel sad or anything, I felt so relieved. Finally, I’m free. When you said that you want us to be friend, I can feel it in my bones, we could be really a good friend. I know it from the first time I talk to you, I know you could be the place where I can talk about everything to, but all this time my feeling had been holding me back. Plus, we didn’t quite have time to talk. And I’m not the kind of person who can just open my heart to anyone. To see you as a friend and not as the guy I like make me feel more comfortable to talk to you. I finally can talk without feeling nervous or any kind of fear that I might do something stupid in front of you. Besides, we are like one soul trapped in two bodies. Just like Alexander the Great and Hephaestion. It’s not hard for us to understand each other. It’s not hard for us to become friend.
It’s fate, I guess.
Having you as the fourth guy I ever liked in my entire life.
To know in the end that you’re not the one I’ve been waiting for. That you’re not the one that I’m gonna adore in my entire life.
I promise myself... I ask Heaven every day... when the fifth come and try to live in my heart, I wish he will be the one.
And I know he will come sooner than I thought.
I’m so grateful for this experience.
Thanks for everything, Lord.
